Letters from our Readers


Sirs:

So we've got them turned on. Now what?

THE FIFTY MILLION AMERICAN FAMILIES WHO HAVE PURCHASED HOME COMPUTERS BUT ARE NOT SMART ENOUGH TO USE THEM


Sirs:

In response to some ridiculous Freud theory I had to do a term paper on: I think I speak for most women when I say that something that hangs between your legs, itches on both sides, erects every morning, thus preventing ease in urination, and from what I understand is as painful as cramps when hit is nothing to envy

Bobbie Smith
Texas Tech first-year psych student


Sirs:

Don't be fooled by the appearance of us nerds. The real reason we wear those stupid shorts with the long legs is to hide our immensely big penises, and we wear the mismatched checked shirts and the black socks with the brogue shoes because girls are secretly driven mad with desire by them, and we really need those dumb briefcases we're always carrying to hold the amazing number of condoms we go through every day while we're boning the best-looking girls in town. And all this time you thought we were just being nerds! Ha-ha-ha!

The Nerds
High schools and colleges everywhere


Sirs:

Juan's is not enough.

Mrs. Juan Valdez
Bogota, Colombia



Sirs,

I can't imagine singing "Satisfaction" at...oh...eighty.

Mick Jagger
Upping the ante


Sirs,

Honestly, the only reason I keep Keith Richards in the band is to make me look healthy.

Mick Jagger


Sirs:

"Nothing is sure but death and taxes," Now, isn't it time we updated that old saw? I mean, if death is sure, then birth is sure, too. Once you've got birth, I think you can postulate that sex preceded it. Also, if taxes are sure, it stands to reason that a taxable income-ergo, some kind of job-must have existed during the taxation year, unless I'm mistaken. So why not say, "Nothing is sure but sex and gainful employment"? We believe in looking on the bright side.

A Press Agent
The White house


Sirs:

NBC is pleased to announce a hot new show, 50/50. A penetrating new investigative program that is half truth and half lies.

Grant Tinkler
Vapid, Calif.


Sirs:

The U.S. Postal Service is pleased to announce the issuance of a commemorative stamp honoring prostitution. It costs twenty cents, but it's an additional ten cents if you want to lick it.

Postmaster General
Washington, D.C.

Bumper Snickers

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

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