True News!
| TRUE NEWS!
*Donald Lane, twenty-five of Sinclairville New York, was arrested after a South Buffalo woman complained that she had answered his ad for a baby-sitter and was told by Lane that the baby involved was himself. He allegedly handed her a type-written sheet of instructions on how to change his diaper. Police found other copies of the instructions in Lane's car, along with a large diaper. Lane told officers that he had found that the baby-sitting ad was a good way to meet women. Buffalo Evening News *Nine-year-old Peter Collins of Toronto, Canada, won first prize in his school science fair by counting his family's farts. With the approval of his parents, Peter and his fourteen-year-old sister logged the farts daily to gauge the effects of various foods on the digestive tract. According to the study, brown beans provoked the greatest number of out-bursts, with a record one-day total of seventy-five. The science project went on the citywide competition after the school-level win. CP *A company's five-year safety record was broken when it assembled workers to show them a safety film designed to encourage the use of safety goggles on the job. The film depicted gory industrial accidents so graphically that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in a rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen other viewers fainted and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair. Industrial Machinery News *Australian scientists have developed a way to better distribute cattle dung over pasture land. According to a trade journal there, "A slow release pellet of photo reactive gallium-arsenide-3" is fed to the cow and finds its way through the digestive tract and into the animal's dung. Then, when an offending cow plop is exposed to the ultraviolet rays of sunlight, it explodes. "An initial increase in dung production is noted," the journal reports, "but the animals are soon conditioned to the noise of exploding pads." Food Technology in Australia *Betty Tudor, a pub keeper from Exeter, England, finally gave up trying to get a driver's license. She had taken 273 driving lessons during the past nineteen years and ultimately had been barred from at least three driving schools. After she failed her most recent driving test, her examiner was admitted to a mental hospital, although the fifty-five year-old woman told reporters, "I'm not sure I was totally to blame." Toronto Globe and Mail *According to the Drug-Idustry publication apharmacy weekly, a federal appeals court ordered the FDA to determine whether drugs proposed for use in lethal-injection executions are "safe and effective." |
*A Dutch veterinarian was fined 600 guilders (about $240) for causing a fire that destroyed a farm in Lichten Vourde, the Netherlands. The vet has been trying to convince a farmer that his cow was passing flatulent gas; to demonstrate, the vet ignited the gas, but the cow became a "four-legged flamethrower" and ran wild, setting fire to bales of hay. Damage to the farm was assessed at $80,000. The cow was unharmed. AP
*A former hotel cashier in Bangkok, Thailand, was convicted of embezzling $12,000 and sentenced to 865 years in prison. Because of his cooperation with the court, however, his sentence was reduced to 576 years. AP *Seventy-Six-Year-old Russell Berkeley of Hazel Park, California, sued for injuries sustained when his testicles were sucked into the drain of a hospital whirlpool bath. Oakland Press *David Rhodes was sentenced to three years in federal prison for misappropriating $88,000 while managing a branch of the Century National Bank near Pittsburgh. According to trial records, Rhodes used the money to buy silence from customers he had spanked in his office as punishment for missing their loan payments. The middle-aged father of two teenage children admitted to having whacked more than fifty delinquent borrowers, UPI *A Gilroy, California, man complained to police there that he was the victim of a skunk attack. He told officers that another man brought a dead skunk into his house and rubbed him with it. Dispatch *A 350-pound man named Richard Avella entered a jewelry store on Long Island, pointed a gun at the clerk, announced a holdup, then tripped and fell to the floor. He was unable to get up before police arrive. New York Daily News *On returning from a hunting trip, Jim Hutchinson of Grand Prairie, Texas, was asked by his wife of twenty years what he'd bagged. As a joke, Hutchinson replied, "Oh, I didn't go hunting. I just went out and shot that boyfriend of yours." Thereupon, Dianne Hutchinson ran from the house and sped off in her car. Her husband followed in his own vehicle and watched while Mrs. Hutchinson pulled up in front of a nearby house, ran inside, and fell into the arms of another man, sobbing, "Thank God, you're alive!" A fight between the two men resulted from the incident, and Mrs. Hutchinson has filed for a divorce. Toronto Star *Police Blotter: A California woman phoned the sheriff's department to report a prowler. The woman reportedly explained to the watch officer that she would have phoned 911 but there was no 11 on her telephone dial. *Police working a special command post during a weeks-long summer festival in Chicago hauled in their 500th arrestee for a special booking ceremony. The confused pickpocket was given a standing ovation by police officers, who also presented the thief with a basket of fruit and a ticket to next year's ChicagoFest. Chicago Tribune |
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